Server watch!

Ah, day two of our server being down which means no website (for us, we can access other websites praise Jebus), no posting to the Internet, and lots of phone calls saying "I can't get into your website." Luckily the people calling have been nice and understanding. We also had to power down every network connected thing last night because of a total power failure. Welcome to the land of renovation!!! At least it's started...

I had a horrible dream last night. Well, in the dream I was having fun but I look back at it now in horror. I dreamt that I was in Paris...maybe....some foreign place that was pretty cool. Oh! It was Italy. Anyway, I was discussing with my travelers plans for the next day. I wanted to wing it and roam around, they wanted to stay inside and do something. Perhaps go to some Mexican restaurant chain that was from America. The important thing about the dream was that I was drinking, while pregnant!! That's horrific to me because I would never do that in real life. I wasn't just drinking a glass of wine, I had two mixed drinks and a very heavy on the vodka (it was a dream) margarita. At the table, this girl gave me a very disapproving look. I told her that I had drank the same combination of drinks the night before and I could totally handle it. She started talking about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and I gave her a slurred speech about how "alcohol affects every baby differently so even one sip could hurt the baby but I was o.k. because I could handle it" or some such nonsense. She still gave me the evil eye so I told her that I didn't need these drinks and I could put them down whenever I wanted. I asked her if she wanted me to and she said yes. So I stopped.

How stupid is that?? I realized this morning when I was recounting a story about the drunk people on our trip back from Russia that I had a dream about drinking. URGH!

We've been up and down this highway

Here's some newsworthies for you:

Ah Slate, how do I love thee. Slate ran an article reviewing a book, and the phenomenon of pop Christian culture, and it was like reading my own thoughts in an eloquent way. My favorite part of the article: Christian techno. Because apparently there are certain "God" chords that make music more Christian or inherently more religious than music of a similar genre. That's the only reason I can see for having techno Christian music. Stupid part of the article: the confinements of Christian music from the musician point of view. Really?? Is it because of the restriction of the God chords? Or you feel like you have to mention Jesus, God, faith or some other keyword in every song you write?? I own one Christian song and I like it alot. I would probably like many songs that weren't too stupid sounding. But yeah, why have imitation music when you can listen to the real thing.
ADDENDUM: I'm sorry, the stupidest thing about this article is the prank on the girl by making her think it was the Rapture. Um...don't you think God is watching you making people shit themselves because they think the world is ending?

The CDC has e-cards that you can send to your sexual partners after you have been diagnosed with a VD. Here's my favorite:
I suppose that it's a much easier way to break the news than a phone call. But....what do you put in the message area??

Tomorrow I head off to Russia. I've been looking forward to this trip for a while. I don't know anything about Russia and I don't plan to learn anything extra before I go. We have relatives over there so they have planned our activities and will be in charge of us. I'm excited!! Everything I will learn about Russia, I will learn from the Russian perspective. It should be interesting.

I got two new bras this weekend. They are fine except the there is a lethal bit of underwire that I'm going to have to take out. It pokes into my ribs and I'm constantly adjusting my clothes so I can fold a little barrier between my skin and bra. Sucks! I can't take it back either because they have a no return policy for their undergarments. Looks like Dr. Booklahver is going to have to surgically engineer her clothes for comfort.

Alright, I'm AUDI 5000. Pic of the day:

OH! And I started listening to The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It's great and heartbreaking...

Mother, tell your children not to walk my way

May 11th is Mother's Day. I will be in Russia but I did order my mom a fruit bouquet that I hope she enjoys. I guess this Mother's Day seems poignant to me because I won't be here to celebrate it with her and, I suppose, it is my first Mother's Day??

When does one become a mother?? According to Jennifer Garner in Juno: "A woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he first sees the baby."

Now, while that might not be the most authoritative source, I would have to agree with this statement. Everything changes a little bit when you find out your pregnant. You start thinking more about what you are eating, drinking, how you feel, your stress levels, etc. because, if you are me, you don't want to start the baby on the wrong foot. Now, if the baby has something wrong with it, besides not knowing what I will do, I will try my damnedest not to blame myself. I have done all that I could think to do to help and protect my baby. I'm following the advice of the midwives, I passed my food diary with flying colors, everything seems to be on track. But I'm not counting my chick until it's hatched...it just doesn't feel right to do that. Because the alternative, having your baby and finding out there is something wrong with it, is too devastating if I just go "everything's great, tra la la." I'm not thinking about bad things all the time, it's just kind of a little thought in the back of my head.

But this post is supposed to be about mothers. So I will share a secret about my feelings about my own mother.

I remember, must have been elementary school, when I first recognized my mother. I mean, saw her as my mother. I remember seeing other people's mothers and understanding the relationship between the children and their mothers. And then one day, I made the connection that this woman was my mother. She was, to me, what those women were to their children. And I felt really disappointed and kind of ashamed. Because I thought that all those other mothers were so pretty and my mother wasn't. She had gray hair, she didn't wear make-up, she didn't wear jewelry, her clothes were not stylish (granted, I mostly saw her in her bedclothes or t-shirts/shorts because she was a stay at home mom). I just felt embarrassed that my mom wasn't like the other moms.

It wasn't a good day. I was embarrassed but I was also ashamed of myself. I never told her any of this and I'm so glad that I didn't. Because, as most people do, I grew up and matured. And as I got older, I saw her in so many different lights. I saw her beauty. Her kindness, her ability to be happy, even her strictness! All of her characteristics were so incredibly beautiful. And she radiates with this beauty. And, as much as I compared her physical attributes when I was younger, I compared her inner attributes to other mothers that I encountered as I got older. She never yelled at me in that ugly way that contorts people's faces with irrational anger. She never said "no" to me without first hearing and understanding what I had to say. She was always there for me and I saw so many kids wishing for that. She never babied me, she allowed me to make my own decisions, and she listened. By God, she listened!! Which was quite a feat since I would come home, daily, and gripe about people and things that happened at school. But she listened to it all. She cooked our meals, she washed our clothes and dishes, she taught us chores, and she showed us beauty.

So for this Mother's Day, I post this blog because I can't be there with my mom. Momma, this one's for you. I hope to raise my children like you raised me because I honestly can't think of a way to improve on anything that you have done. Well, maybe I won't cry at commercials as much. :)

Here's to you, Momma!



***she would murder me if she knew I posted her picture here....***

Mantra

I found a mantra!! Or at least some affirmations. From the book Blessingways by Shari Maser:

"My body is beautiful and strong...I accept the healthy pain of labor, if and when it comes...I share in the strength and wisdom of my mothers."

I changed "all mothers" to "my mothers" to honor the women in my family lines that have birthed before me.

I've had a lot of conflict when thinking about motherhood. Mostly because I have a desire to want to honor all mothers but I know that's not realistic since some women treat motherhood in ways that I don't approve of. So if I focus on my family line and the generations of women that have brought myself, my mother, my grandmother, and in five months, my baby into the world, I feel a sense of strength and courage. I don't feel that way when considering "all" mothers.

If you get a chance to read Blessingways, do it! It's a great way to think about the awesome power and responsibility of birth, and a great way to honor a loved one who is going through the birthing process.

Movies 'n' junk

Most of the time, I have music in my head. Today, I have the sounds peacocks make when they are waking you up. I was "privileged" to be awakened by such a call when Triciathered and I visited Mexico in college. I wish I could accurately type their call....it was like "Er-AHH, Er-AHH, Er-AHH!" Yeah....

I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall this weekend. It was pretty good. I liked it better than 40-Year-Old Virgin, a little bit better than Knocked Up, and light years better than Superbad.* I thought it was a good middle of the road kind of movie in the sense that it appealed to both men and women. I think 40 Year Old Virgin and Superbad really appealed to men and Knocked Up probably appealed to women more. I think Forgetting Sarah Marshall appeals to both sexes. Plus, it has a Dracula musical...with puppets!

I also got movie nachos. Movie nachos consist of a a tray with a bag of Tostitos-like chips, in the bag, and a container of cheese in a sealed yogurt like cup. You peel off the top of the cheese, which may or may not be warm, and open your bag of chips. The whole entire operation, however, is sealed in the tray. I got these nachos because I was craving them but I was actually craving the nachos you get at a sports concession. Observe the difference:

vs.

Granted, we didn't have the Tostitos brand but you get the idea. Complete difference in the taste and quality. I did, however, enjoy my movie hot dog!! :)

*I saw Superbad after all the hype so I think my perception may be a little skewed. I found it boring and vulgar. Also, I didn't believe high school guys really talked that way until I was assured by some former high school guys that, yes indeedy, they did talk that way.

What's my mantra?

According to this website, I need to adopt a mantra to get me through my feelings of "am I gaining weight too fast?". I agree. I think I'm down in the dumps for several reasons but one is because I'm starting to burst out of my clothes, I open my closet and I have nothing suitable to wear for work, and I have back pain that's probably related to the weight gain* (which is going away since I'm exercising my back regularly).

I actually thought about a birth mantra today. It was "Millions of women have done this, I can too!" The only other time I've had a mantra was when I was climbing up and down the stairs of St. Paul's Cathedral. Towards the top, the staircase became very narrow and made out of metal instead of stone. You could also look down through the metal steps and see to the next level. Scared the crap out of me. I took one step at a time on that staircase saying "Every step down is closer to the ground." It worked, although I was a huge bundle of nerves. But it worked!! I got to see the awesome view and I could say "Yeah! I've done it!"

Soooo...anyone have tips for a "sexy mama" mantra?? Or, if not sexy, how about a "non-lardass, you're fine and doing the right thing" mantra? I think it will help.

*Of about seven pounds. Yeah, I know. What's going to happen when I'm an Orca?

Or I'll have to leave

I'm feeling very emotional today. Like straight-up sad. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the persistent allergies. Or the fact that I need some new shirts because I'm starting to get too big for my other shirts. Or my persistent backache. Or the apathy of a staff worker that I may or may not be in charge of but I just wish he would go away so I wouldn't have to maybe or not deal with him. BLECH! I just want to take a half day and buy some new shirts, go home, make some food, and then enjoy the rest of the day. You figure you get 48 hours for the weekend but it always feel way too short. And it's not like I'm spending it camped in front of the TV...I'm doing stuff!! But when I don't really do anything during the week besides cross stitch, things just pile up for the weekend. I need to take a vacation at home. But I'm not going to ......sooooo.....

I had a dream last night that Mr. Wonderful was two different people: Dave and Brian. In my dream, I was engaged to Dave but I was starting to lust after Brian because he was like Dave but he could do more things. He was burlier, stronger, more knowledgeable, just Dave 2.0 basically. I felt very conflicted in my dream because I was realllly into Brian but I didn't want to leave Dave out of loyalty. When I woke up this morning, I was relieved that Dave and Brian are the same person: Mr. Wonderful. I have dreams like this fairly frequently. Most of the time, Mr. Wonderful is just a little off and I always wake up feeling so thankful that he is not the person in the dream. Because he is so much better than that. What does that even mean?

My back has been hurting alot lately but it feels better today. I have tried to relieve the situation by doing back exercises (cat/cow, a few other prenatals that I have run across, knee twists) and by sleeping on a pillow. So I have one pillow for my head and the other one is like the vertical part of a T for my back. It seems to be working for now. Yeah! I hope it continues because back pain sucks. There's nothing you can do for it except what I've been trying.

That's all for now. I don't feel like posting a picture. Blech.