Wah wah wah

I had another, but very mini, breakdown yesterday. This one involved a dinner I had made the previous night. Here's the scoop:

On Saturday, I made enchiladas. This was the first time I have ever made enchiladas. I bought a McCormick's seasoning pack and followed the directions of heating up sauce in one pan while browning the ground beef (and I added onions) in the other. Seems simple, right? Well, in efforts to minimize dishes (which I hate) I decided I would also make Mexican rice in the same pan I browned the beef after draining it and wiping it out. Anyway, the whole point is that it took me forever, or what seemed like forever, to make these two dishes. Everything came out wonderfully but it was pretty labor intensive for a novice like myself.

So, fine and dandy. I make, usually, one dish over the weekend with the expectation that I will eat it during the week for lunch. I also encourage my husband to eat the dish when I've made it but...he's a little weird about eating. He has been known to eat an entire dish of macaroni and cheese "just because it tasted so good." This raises my hackles. The mac and cheese, not so much but when I've prepared a dish that took several hours to make, I want it to last a long time. Not eaten in one setting. He also has the mentality that things in the fridge should not last more than two days (he used to make a huge pot of something, in his bachelor days, and eat only that for several days vs. my eating what I am in the mood for).

So when he approached me last night saying he could eat half of the leftovers or all of it, I had a sad little breakdown. I was upset that I was upset about the fact that I had worked so hard and it was going to be gone in so little time. So we had a "discussion" about eating habits and I was bummed for about an hour or so. Which brings up another point.

I want to make more meals like this. I want to whip up dishes without using a recipe. And it just takes practice. But I gotta tell you: I have no energy. I have energy in the mornings and early afternoons and then around 4 or 5, it all falls away. I spent last night on a bed, lying there watching TV. It could be the pregnancy but it may just be me.

I feel like I waste a ton of energy at work because I have a "sit at the desk and type emails" kind of job. So for roughly 9 hours a day, I'm sitting on my butt. And then I get home, I have no energy. I keep thinking that if I stayed at home, I could get used to making delicious dishes and then I wouldn't have food insecurity when it came to stuff like the previous episode. And besides feeling like I would gain "food security", I want to stay at home.

To me, becoming a mother means providing for your family. Again, besides wanting to do all of this domestic goddess stuff, I feel it is my duty, my "job" but in a good way. True, I won't be providing financially for my family but if I could use the skills I learn to save us money, then wouldn't that be a little similar?? I could always get a part-time job if we just desperately needed money.

Bottom line: I want to stay home, in a few months I will need to stay home, and maybe naively and subconsciously, I'm painting a rosy picture for staying home. It just seems like it can't come fast enough as I sit here and let me legs atrophy, my energy waste and my butt expand.