Live life to the fullest

I just finished listening to My Rollercoaster by Kimya Dawson and in it, she states "live life to the fullest." I completely agree with her. But my question is, if I am waiting out my job until the next breath of freedom (dr.'s appt., vacation, 5:00 pm), am I living life to the fullest?? I would say no. I would say that I need to find a job I enjoy and I don't count down the hours. I would say that I need to be at a job where I'm not responsible for supervising people because I don't like supervising people unless I get to make the rules and I don't now. I am well aware of the whole "living to justify the means" kind of approach that I feel towards life..which is why I'm in this job, for security. And for the most part, I like the people. I just don't like the situation that I'm in. This dreaded renovation has made people stupid. It's stupid in itself. We should be in a different building where we aren't interrupted from serving people by requests to clean, take people to different, monitor those people on the floors, etc. All of this kerfuffle is from the renovation. And it's bringing out the worst in me. It's bringing out the stressed out Booklahver, the "shut down, make decisions, no arguments" Booklahver who is quick tempered and quick to action. I don't want to be stressed out. If not for my own mental clarity, for the fact that I don't want my baby to suffer. I know my stress level affects him and I don't want it to. I try to justify the situation with "it's not that bad, don't stress out" etc. but then the next heap of frustration hits my plate and it's all happening so fast, I don't have time to shut it out.
So, back to my favorite question ever, what's the solution?? Quit? Extended vacation? I try to let it roll off my back but I just have a really hard time doing that. The last three nights, I have had stressful work related dreams. Ridiculous, I know. But that is telling me something. What do I do?? I need help!

Speaking to a pregnant woman

Things you should never say to a pregnant lady:

• "Oh, you look big, you look as big as (insert some comparison that is not flattering)."

I was compared to a woman who gave birth two days before the statement was made. I still have three months. I would assume that you also would not say "Oh, you look small" or any other comments on size. We get it: we look different. We are aware of that.

• "I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world."

How can anyone interpret this statement in a positive way? Listen, the world hasn't changed. The same shit is happening only on an adjusted scale. And I'm sure someone made the same statement to you when you were pregnant in that "oh so joyful time" that you have nostalgized to become oh so joyful. Like a sympathetic friend said: "at least the Holocaust isn't happening." True dat. Also: I'm not going to abort my baby because I think the world is bad. I chose to carry this blessing.

• "Let me look at you from the side. Turn around."

This is another size issue. I'm not a piece of meat. Your insistence to observe me is only so you can make further comments about my size. Can't you just wait until I turn to the side instead of requesting that I do so? I move frequently so there's bound to be a time when you will see me from the side. You can observe at that point with the addition of refraining from comments so I don't have to hear how big/small/cute/whatever I look like. I'm well aware. I live with it.

Things you should say to a pregnant lady:

• "You look great!" and other positive comments


• Anything non-pregnancy related. "How about that local sports team?" "Did you read the latest article on blah blah?" "What are your thoughts on blah blah?"


• Talk about yourself and the exciting events happening in your life.


• Positive questions about the pregnancy like "When are you due?" "Is it a boy/girl?" "Do you have any names?"

Some women may not enjoy answering the last couple of questions but I have no problem with it. It shows that the person is interested in your pregnancy without making further comments that are negative.

Also: if you ask a pregnant lady what she has chosen as a birthing plan (hospital vs. midwife, medication vs. no medication, etc.) and she says something you don't agree with, don't argue, make negative comments, or generally give the impression that you don't agree with the plan. Her body, her baby, her choice. Unless she is telling you she is taking drugs, smoking, drinking heavily, and bungee jumping, whatever she chooses is comfortable for her. FOR HER! Who gives a holy Hell what you want to do? Now, if she says "what do you plan on doing?" simply tell her what you plan and you can see how the conversation will develop from there.

Speaking to pregnant ladies is easy. It's almost like having a conversation with a regular person in that you consider their thoughts and feelings when you have the conversation. Shocking?

Pic of the day:

Battle of the first lady hopefuls!!

Is it wrong that I'm creeped out by Cindy McCain?? She looks like a Stepford wife. Observe:

She looks like the kind of well-dressed older lady that, if she were to come into your business or place of work, you wouldn't want to piss off because she could sue the crap out of you without blinking an eye. If you did piss her off or made her time there uncomfortable, she would give you a steely gaze with a "well, what CAN you do for me?" remark. She also doesn't look very maternal to me. Of course, the other side of the feelings of lack of maternity could be, despite her vast fortune, her recipe deceit. Now, I know a lot of people would say "what does looking maternal have to do with being the first lady and blah blah blah?" Short answer: nothing. Long answer: following politics as little as I do (my main source of news is Wait Wait Don't Tell Me), I base a lot of opinions on bits and pieces that I pick up around radio stations and/or news websites. And so far: all I get is some scary Mr. Potter-esque faces from Cindy with Recipegate not too far behind.

On the other hand, look at Michelle Obama:

No recipe scandals, she looks maternal and womanly, she just seems like the kind of lady that would come in your place of business and be very nice and polite. In fact, by the end, you probably would be laughing and thinking "what a nice lady!". She has been the victim of some stupid things too: Fox news-related mostly. I just get good feelings from her where Cindy McCain leaves me feeling like I just got classed, in her mind, as a servant.

For more info, read the current Newsweek's article on Cindy McCain. I haven't read it yet but I did read the one on Michelle Obama and it was good. Perhaps the one on Cindy will change my mind about her but....again, the picture still creeps me out.

Wah wah wah

I had another, but very mini, breakdown yesterday. This one involved a dinner I had made the previous night. Here's the scoop:

On Saturday, I made enchiladas. This was the first time I have ever made enchiladas. I bought a McCormick's seasoning pack and followed the directions of heating up sauce in one pan while browning the ground beef (and I added onions) in the other. Seems simple, right? Well, in efforts to minimize dishes (which I hate) I decided I would also make Mexican rice in the same pan I browned the beef after draining it and wiping it out. Anyway, the whole point is that it took me forever, or what seemed like forever, to make these two dishes. Everything came out wonderfully but it was pretty labor intensive for a novice like myself.

So, fine and dandy. I make, usually, one dish over the weekend with the expectation that I will eat it during the week for lunch. I also encourage my husband to eat the dish when I've made it but...he's a little weird about eating. He has been known to eat an entire dish of macaroni and cheese "just because it tasted so good." This raises my hackles. The mac and cheese, not so much but when I've prepared a dish that took several hours to make, I want it to last a long time. Not eaten in one setting. He also has the mentality that things in the fridge should not last more than two days (he used to make a huge pot of something, in his bachelor days, and eat only that for several days vs. my eating what I am in the mood for).

So when he approached me last night saying he could eat half of the leftovers or all of it, I had a sad little breakdown. I was upset that I was upset about the fact that I had worked so hard and it was going to be gone in so little time. So we had a "discussion" about eating habits and I was bummed for about an hour or so. Which brings up another point.

I want to make more meals like this. I want to whip up dishes without using a recipe. And it just takes practice. But I gotta tell you: I have no energy. I have energy in the mornings and early afternoons and then around 4 or 5, it all falls away. I spent last night on a bed, lying there watching TV. It could be the pregnancy but it may just be me.

I feel like I waste a ton of energy at work because I have a "sit at the desk and type emails" kind of job. So for roughly 9 hours a day, I'm sitting on my butt. And then I get home, I have no energy. I keep thinking that if I stayed at home, I could get used to making delicious dishes and then I wouldn't have food insecurity when it came to stuff like the previous episode. And besides feeling like I would gain "food security", I want to stay at home.

To me, becoming a mother means providing for your family. Again, besides wanting to do all of this domestic goddess stuff, I feel it is my duty, my "job" but in a good way. True, I won't be providing financially for my family but if I could use the skills I learn to save us money, then wouldn't that be a little similar?? I could always get a part-time job if we just desperately needed money.

Bottom line: I want to stay home, in a few months I will need to stay home, and maybe naively and subconsciously, I'm painting a rosy picture for staying home. It just seems like it can't come fast enough as I sit here and let me legs atrophy, my energy waste and my butt expand.

RUDE! or hormonal imbalance??

So, I'm making my way to the cafeteria in the Capitol. As I mount the steps (yes, mount them), a trio of elderly people stop me and ask me if I know the way to the Governor's Mansion.* I say "Yes" and proceed to give them "booklahver" directions which involve lots of landmarks and description because that's how I remember things. Out of nowhere comes Mr. Mcthinkshehelps and, interrupting me, gives his version of directions. His directions are succinct and involve street names. I throw up my hands in kind of like a "dude, you totally interrupted me!" motion. The trio thanks him, he goes on his way and I stand there like an idiot. I was really pissed!! It's not like he and I were walking together and he interrupted me, he flew in from left field and interrupted me.

As I walked in the Capitol, Mr. Mcthinkshehelps was in front of me. It took all my control not to whip my shoe at him. I vowed that if we got in the elevator together, I would totally tell him off. Alas, my opportunity had passed and my gentle Southern manners won over my rockin' feminist angst.

I also wondered if I might have a) a hormonal imbalance or b) a "so hungry I'm bitchy" moment that would be really unnecessary in this situation. BUT: I just polled two people (a man and a woman) about this scenario and was told that that man was indeed rude.

There is a silver lining to this story: the cafeteria had chocolate cake which I have been craving all week. Huzzah!

Pic of the day:

*If you don't know, the Governor's Mansion was set ablaze early Sunday morning. It's a devastating loss because of the historic and significant nature of this building. Plans to renovate and remodel it have already been approved (I think) but it's just a shame that this event had to occur in the first place. Pics of the blaze here.

Complain, complain, complain

A laundry list of complaints and rants:

• Diane Keaton. Quit phoning it in. Mad Money, Family Stone, Because I Said So. All these movies reek. I have always liked you but now...it's kind of embarrassing. Look, you've got cred, you've got some great classics under your belt, pull a Sarandon and take selective roles. I know some people have never liked you: that's their lost. Kay and JC Wiatt are begging to be seen again, not to mention Annie Hall.
• Cougars. Give it a rest. It's creepy, and not because you are older women, but because you are not using your power AS an older woman to make a positive image of an older women. Cougar power is ridiculous and the equivalent of those disgusting sugar daddy figures that you undoubtedly hate. The only great thing out of this movement: Cougar Den skit from SNL. Watch out for the overacting of Cameron Diaz though *shudder*
• What do you call a young guy dating an older woman?? Just another instance of a double standard since girls going with older men are called gold diggers but we don't have a name for these young men. Except mimbo but that's not that great.
• Not getting stressed out when pregnant. Every book/magazine/pamphlet talks about taking it easy while pregnant. I agree but in order for me to be stress-free, I need to not work or drive. Seriously: I get a little pissed when in traffic, mostly because people are making stupid decisions like cutting me off. Yesterday I got so mad, I had to turn off the radio and have a conversation with my baby apologizing for my behavior and any undue stress it might have caused him. I felt better after talking it out and I'm going to try to make an effort not to get stressed. But I know I'm going to be stressed. It could be a lot worse and most of the time I think that the stress the books are talking about is situational (i.e. don't know where you will live kind of constant stress).

Not everything is worthy of a complaint. Some positives: it rained today, I appear healthy, Mr. Wonderful is healthy, work has given me the opportunity to blog more, I'm eating YoCrunch, I'm hanging out with the ladies this weekend, and today is going by sorta fast. Huzzah!

****ACK! I just Googled "cougar women" to get a pic for my pic of the day and I got this website. ACKACKACK***

Pics of the day: Cougar vs. Sugar Daddy

VERSUS

Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm into you

I have heard that when pregnant, your dreams become more vivid. I don't know that they have become more vivid because they were pretty vivid to start with. But I have remembered them more. Take with that what you will.

One night, I had a dream that this guy was berating me by calling me "Fattie." He kept saying "You're a fattie. Why are you so fat?" In the dream, I told him that I was pregnant and not a "fattie" and he needed to lay off.

The next night, I had a dream that there was a flashing, Vegas-like sign that said "Jelly Donut". There was also someone repeating "jelly donut, jelly donut" over and over again.

Naturally, the next day I got a jelly donut. It satisfied the craving but I'm still looking for the perfect jelly donut.

To me, the perfect jelly donut has some kind of red stuff in the middle with powder on top. Perfection!

Server watch!

Ah, day two of our server being down which means no website (for us, we can access other websites praise Jebus), no posting to the Internet, and lots of phone calls saying "I can't get into your website." Luckily the people calling have been nice and understanding. We also had to power down every network connected thing last night because of a total power failure. Welcome to the land of renovation!!! At least it's started...

I had a horrible dream last night. Well, in the dream I was having fun but I look back at it now in horror. I dreamt that I was in Paris...maybe....some foreign place that was pretty cool. Oh! It was Italy. Anyway, I was discussing with my travelers plans for the next day. I wanted to wing it and roam around, they wanted to stay inside and do something. Perhaps go to some Mexican restaurant chain that was from America. The important thing about the dream was that I was drinking, while pregnant!! That's horrific to me because I would never do that in real life. I wasn't just drinking a glass of wine, I had two mixed drinks and a very heavy on the vodka (it was a dream) margarita. At the table, this girl gave me a very disapproving look. I told her that I had drank the same combination of drinks the night before and I could totally handle it. She started talking about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and I gave her a slurred speech about how "alcohol affects every baby differently so even one sip could hurt the baby but I was o.k. because I could handle it" or some such nonsense. She still gave me the evil eye so I told her that I didn't need these drinks and I could put them down whenever I wanted. I asked her if she wanted me to and she said yes. So I stopped.

How stupid is that?? I realized this morning when I was recounting a story about the drunk people on our trip back from Russia that I had a dream about drinking. URGH!

We've been up and down this highway

Here's some newsworthies for you:

Ah Slate, how do I love thee. Slate ran an article reviewing a book, and the phenomenon of pop Christian culture, and it was like reading my own thoughts in an eloquent way. My favorite part of the article: Christian techno. Because apparently there are certain "God" chords that make music more Christian or inherently more religious than music of a similar genre. That's the only reason I can see for having techno Christian music. Stupid part of the article: the confinements of Christian music from the musician point of view. Really?? Is it because of the restriction of the God chords? Or you feel like you have to mention Jesus, God, faith or some other keyword in every song you write?? I own one Christian song and I like it alot. I would probably like many songs that weren't too stupid sounding. But yeah, why have imitation music when you can listen to the real thing.
ADDENDUM: I'm sorry, the stupidest thing about this article is the prank on the girl by making her think it was the Rapture. Um...don't you think God is watching you making people shit themselves because they think the world is ending?

The CDC has e-cards that you can send to your sexual partners after you have been diagnosed with a VD. Here's my favorite:
I suppose that it's a much easier way to break the news than a phone call. But....what do you put in the message area??

Tomorrow I head off to Russia. I've been looking forward to this trip for a while. I don't know anything about Russia and I don't plan to learn anything extra before I go. We have relatives over there so they have planned our activities and will be in charge of us. I'm excited!! Everything I will learn about Russia, I will learn from the Russian perspective. It should be interesting.

I got two new bras this weekend. They are fine except the there is a lethal bit of underwire that I'm going to have to take out. It pokes into my ribs and I'm constantly adjusting my clothes so I can fold a little barrier between my skin and bra. Sucks! I can't take it back either because they have a no return policy for their undergarments. Looks like Dr. Booklahver is going to have to surgically engineer her clothes for comfort.

Alright, I'm AUDI 5000. Pic of the day:

OH! And I started listening to The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It's great and heartbreaking...

Mother, tell your children not to walk my way

May 11th is Mother's Day. I will be in Russia but I did order my mom a fruit bouquet that I hope she enjoys. I guess this Mother's Day seems poignant to me because I won't be here to celebrate it with her and, I suppose, it is my first Mother's Day??

When does one become a mother?? According to Jennifer Garner in Juno: "A woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he first sees the baby."

Now, while that might not be the most authoritative source, I would have to agree with this statement. Everything changes a little bit when you find out your pregnant. You start thinking more about what you are eating, drinking, how you feel, your stress levels, etc. because, if you are me, you don't want to start the baby on the wrong foot. Now, if the baby has something wrong with it, besides not knowing what I will do, I will try my damnedest not to blame myself. I have done all that I could think to do to help and protect my baby. I'm following the advice of the midwives, I passed my food diary with flying colors, everything seems to be on track. But I'm not counting my chick until it's hatched...it just doesn't feel right to do that. Because the alternative, having your baby and finding out there is something wrong with it, is too devastating if I just go "everything's great, tra la la." I'm not thinking about bad things all the time, it's just kind of a little thought in the back of my head.

But this post is supposed to be about mothers. So I will share a secret about my feelings about my own mother.

I remember, must have been elementary school, when I first recognized my mother. I mean, saw her as my mother. I remember seeing other people's mothers and understanding the relationship between the children and their mothers. And then one day, I made the connection that this woman was my mother. She was, to me, what those women were to their children. And I felt really disappointed and kind of ashamed. Because I thought that all those other mothers were so pretty and my mother wasn't. She had gray hair, she didn't wear make-up, she didn't wear jewelry, her clothes were not stylish (granted, I mostly saw her in her bedclothes or t-shirts/shorts because she was a stay at home mom). I just felt embarrassed that my mom wasn't like the other moms.

It wasn't a good day. I was embarrassed but I was also ashamed of myself. I never told her any of this and I'm so glad that I didn't. Because, as most people do, I grew up and matured. And as I got older, I saw her in so many different lights. I saw her beauty. Her kindness, her ability to be happy, even her strictness! All of her characteristics were so incredibly beautiful. And she radiates with this beauty. And, as much as I compared her physical attributes when I was younger, I compared her inner attributes to other mothers that I encountered as I got older. She never yelled at me in that ugly way that contorts people's faces with irrational anger. She never said "no" to me without first hearing and understanding what I had to say. She was always there for me and I saw so many kids wishing for that. She never babied me, she allowed me to make my own decisions, and she listened. By God, she listened!! Which was quite a feat since I would come home, daily, and gripe about people and things that happened at school. But she listened to it all. She cooked our meals, she washed our clothes and dishes, she taught us chores, and she showed us beauty.

So for this Mother's Day, I post this blog because I can't be there with my mom. Momma, this one's for you. I hope to raise my children like you raised me because I honestly can't think of a way to improve on anything that you have done. Well, maybe I won't cry at commercials as much. :)

Here's to you, Momma!



***she would murder me if she knew I posted her picture here....***

Mantra

I found a mantra!! Or at least some affirmations. From the book Blessingways by Shari Maser:

"My body is beautiful and strong...I accept the healthy pain of labor, if and when it comes...I share in the strength and wisdom of my mothers."

I changed "all mothers" to "my mothers" to honor the women in my family lines that have birthed before me.

I've had a lot of conflict when thinking about motherhood. Mostly because I have a desire to want to honor all mothers but I know that's not realistic since some women treat motherhood in ways that I don't approve of. So if I focus on my family line and the generations of women that have brought myself, my mother, my grandmother, and in five months, my baby into the world, I feel a sense of strength and courage. I don't feel that way when considering "all" mothers.

If you get a chance to read Blessingways, do it! It's a great way to think about the awesome power and responsibility of birth, and a great way to honor a loved one who is going through the birthing process.

Movies 'n' junk

Most of the time, I have music in my head. Today, I have the sounds peacocks make when they are waking you up. I was "privileged" to be awakened by such a call when Triciathered and I visited Mexico in college. I wish I could accurately type their call....it was like "Er-AHH, Er-AHH, Er-AHH!" Yeah....

I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall this weekend. It was pretty good. I liked it better than 40-Year-Old Virgin, a little bit better than Knocked Up, and light years better than Superbad.* I thought it was a good middle of the road kind of movie in the sense that it appealed to both men and women. I think 40 Year Old Virgin and Superbad really appealed to men and Knocked Up probably appealed to women more. I think Forgetting Sarah Marshall appeals to both sexes. Plus, it has a Dracula musical...with puppets!

I also got movie nachos. Movie nachos consist of a a tray with a bag of Tostitos-like chips, in the bag, and a container of cheese in a sealed yogurt like cup. You peel off the top of the cheese, which may or may not be warm, and open your bag of chips. The whole entire operation, however, is sealed in the tray. I got these nachos because I was craving them but I was actually craving the nachos you get at a sports concession. Observe the difference:

vs.

Granted, we didn't have the Tostitos brand but you get the idea. Complete difference in the taste and quality. I did, however, enjoy my movie hot dog!! :)

*I saw Superbad after all the hype so I think my perception may be a little skewed. I found it boring and vulgar. Also, I didn't believe high school guys really talked that way until I was assured by some former high school guys that, yes indeedy, they did talk that way.

What's my mantra?

According to this website, I need to adopt a mantra to get me through my feelings of "am I gaining weight too fast?". I agree. I think I'm down in the dumps for several reasons but one is because I'm starting to burst out of my clothes, I open my closet and I have nothing suitable to wear for work, and I have back pain that's probably related to the weight gain* (which is going away since I'm exercising my back regularly).

I actually thought about a birth mantra today. It was "Millions of women have done this, I can too!" The only other time I've had a mantra was when I was climbing up and down the stairs of St. Paul's Cathedral. Towards the top, the staircase became very narrow and made out of metal instead of stone. You could also look down through the metal steps and see to the next level. Scared the crap out of me. I took one step at a time on that staircase saying "Every step down is closer to the ground." It worked, although I was a huge bundle of nerves. But it worked!! I got to see the awesome view and I could say "Yeah! I've done it!"

Soooo...anyone have tips for a "sexy mama" mantra?? Or, if not sexy, how about a "non-lardass, you're fine and doing the right thing" mantra? I think it will help.

*Of about seven pounds. Yeah, I know. What's going to happen when I'm an Orca?

Or I'll have to leave

I'm feeling very emotional today. Like straight-up sad. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the persistent allergies. Or the fact that I need some new shirts because I'm starting to get too big for my other shirts. Or my persistent backache. Or the apathy of a staff worker that I may or may not be in charge of but I just wish he would go away so I wouldn't have to maybe or not deal with him. BLECH! I just want to take a half day and buy some new shirts, go home, make some food, and then enjoy the rest of the day. You figure you get 48 hours for the weekend but it always feel way too short. And it's not like I'm spending it camped in front of the TV...I'm doing stuff!! But when I don't really do anything during the week besides cross stitch, things just pile up for the weekend. I need to take a vacation at home. But I'm not going to ......sooooo.....

I had a dream last night that Mr. Wonderful was two different people: Dave and Brian. In my dream, I was engaged to Dave but I was starting to lust after Brian because he was like Dave but he could do more things. He was burlier, stronger, more knowledgeable, just Dave 2.0 basically. I felt very conflicted in my dream because I was realllly into Brian but I didn't want to leave Dave out of loyalty. When I woke up this morning, I was relieved that Dave and Brian are the same person: Mr. Wonderful. I have dreams like this fairly frequently. Most of the time, Mr. Wonderful is just a little off and I always wake up feeling so thankful that he is not the person in the dream. Because he is so much better than that. What does that even mean?

My back has been hurting alot lately but it feels better today. I have tried to relieve the situation by doing back exercises (cat/cow, a few other prenatals that I have run across, knee twists) and by sleeping on a pillow. So I have one pillow for my head and the other one is like the vertical part of a T for my back. It seems to be working for now. Yeah! I hope it continues because back pain sucks. There's nothing you can do for it except what I've been trying.

That's all for now. I don't feel like posting a picture. Blech.

Tidbits from this week

• I've been complaining a lot about pregnancy symptoms. Here's a good one: you have to let it all hang out which forces you to accept yourself. For example: last night, I ate pretty late (I had a major snack attack when I came home and I downed some chips and salsa so I didn't really have dinner until 9 because I wasn't hungry). So I'm looking at my stomach which looks larger than usual. It's like after I eat, my stomach looks big and then goes back down a little. I know I'm "thicker" in my stomach/abdomen area but sometimes I'm thicker than others. Anyway, I can't get rid of the stomach. I know it's only going to get bigger. All I can do is eat simply and healthily and exercise in hopes that I don't gain too much weight. I'm only concerned about gaining too much weight because I don't want to put the baby in danger. So, I have to let it all hang out. And I feel pretty good about that.
• I had a disturbing dream last night that my grandmother was being really mean to me. She was mad that I opened a packet of butter and then she yelled at me for mashing all my food together. I excused myself from the table and went to another room to get away from her. In reality, this would never happen. I don't think my grandmother has ever said anything mean to me. She almost did, once, but stopped herself. Yeah...weird.
• Yesterday, a lady was talking about a former roommate that she kicked out because his behavior was increasingly disturbing and they had a huge fight. She's kind of a bleeding heart so I guess that's why she took him in in the first place. Anyway, the guy's in his 60s, has a part time job, no money, no car, nothing. I don't know if he recently divorced and is starting from scratch or what but he just doesn't seem to have it together nor the desire to get it together. A tiny part of me feels sorry for him but a much larger part says "too bad, so sad, get your shit together." God forbid I find myself in the same situation. But I'm also a strong believer in 'Merica and the extreme luck we have for just being born here, especially when you hear such horror stories from other countries. I think I would also feel guilty if I didn't feel like he was threatening the lady telling the story. Anyway, it was all just disturbing to me.

Stitch and Moan

More pregnancy related news: I'm tired. Alot.

I'm completely apathetic about making food. I don't want to deal with it at all and, with all apologies to Triciathered, my fridge is suffering from it. Triciathered visited this weekend and opened the crisper drawer or, as I like to call it, "if it's not open, I don't know that it's there and therefore don't have to deal with it." Which is not the case because veggies will continue to decompose no matter how much you try to avoid their existence.

Even grocery shopping seems like a chore!! We were flopping around Whole Foods yesterday (complete with parking!) and it was so difficult to make a decision. I just kept thinking "ugh, if I buy it, I have to DO something with it."

I'm all for eating. In fact, I have to eat every two hours. Not because I want to, but because I will turn into a psycho hose-beast if I do not. And I can't eat a giant meal thinking it will tie me over. No, giant meals make me sick. Little meals all day long are the only thing to do. I love eating but it gets a little old when you have to do it all the time. And it's "snacky" food. No steak and potatoes but fruits, nuts, protein...

It tastes good, I'm just not used to it.

The midwife said I need to have 80 grams of protein a day. It's a huge amount, especially since I have to cook meat to get it. You know, instead of just slapping on my turkey lunchmeat to a piece of bread.

I think things will get better. Especially since I did buy some yogurt, grapes, and stuffed grape leaves yesterday. I already ate the grape leaves but it's nice to know that I have a few other snacks lying around.

The stitch part of this post: if I cough too much or move in a weird way, I get stitches in my side. Like the muscle is like "YO! You could do that before but uh uh, not now."

Allergy season is making this particular prego symptom so much fun.

Annnnnndddd scene.

Does this pregnancy make me look fat?

Yeah, I know I already posted a food blog with this same title but I think the title is funny. So there.
So...pregnancy. Yeah. Whole new adventure. I remember, before my biological clock started beating my brain, that I would hear all the crappy details about pregnancy and think, "God, why would ANYONE do this to themselves?" But to tell you the truth, it's not that bad.
I've heard it's like being on your period the whole 9 months (like period symptoms). But that's not true either. Well, for me it hasn't been.
Sure, I've had breast tenderness, emotional plummets, weird stretching feelings in my uterus (not cramps, but like strettttching), vaginal sensitivity, food cravings, food aversions, aversions to smells, nausea, hard stools, increased discharge, headaches, tailbone ache, fatigue, and backache. And I'm in my 11th week. I don't imagine that it's going to get easier but I do believe that I will handle it all.
Maybe it's all mental. I don't expect myself to feel bouncy glorious all the time. But I wasn't like that before either. You just kind of wake up in the morning, see what's going on, and get out of bed. I'm not dreading anything that's going to happen, although I had a few moments when I was nauseous three weeks straight and having those weird stretching pains that I wondered if this was worth it all.
But yesterday I got proof that it is worth it. I saw my baby. S/he is 1.5 inches long and very active although I can't feel it. The ultrasound showed s/he doing somersaults, moving arms and feet, and just looking like they were having the best time. I cried from relief, joy, and the intense realization I was growing a baby. I think I became a mother yesterday. I could confirm what I only speculated. It was wonderful. I really hope everything works out because I want to meet that little person. They look like they're fun.

Cranky pants

Multitudes of patrons + exasperated staff - missing staff due to vacation = cranky pants

Newsworthies

Some of the latest in the news...well, not really. I guess it's just stuff I've read that I find interesting:

* Secret Life of a Soccer Mom is a show on TLC that I watched last night. It's interesting. It gives stay at home moms the chance to live out a dream career. In the case of the person last night, she was a gourmet chef before she got married and pregnant. The show gave her an opportunity to go back to that life for a week. At the end of the show she was offered a job**. My complaint of the show is that it had those stupid reality TV dramatic pauses where they pan to everyone's face and then back to the person asked the question. Other than that, it was interesting watching this mom (who, honestly, I thought probably just made PB&J all day) whip up awesome, pleasing culinary treats. One time, she was given one ingredient to incorporate into a dessert on the spot. Newsweek had an article about the reaction from angry moms after the show premiered (I had some technical issues reading this so hopefully you won't). I am disgusted that people were so close minded about this show. Give the ladies a break!! Berating a mother who chooses to stop staying at home so that she can become a fashion designer?? Please!! She stayed at home for ten years, if she decides to resume her career, let her! Her children will suffer irreperable damage because she won't be at home anymore? Unlikely. I completely agree with the comments from the level-headed Newsweek readers that many times, women have no choice and must work when they have children. Not everyone can afford to live on one income. Some women choose to work because *gasp* they can't handle be at home. Does that mean that they are unfit mothers? No. Small mindedness.

*MSN has an article about hoarders. I watched a show about trash in NYC some time ago and one aspect of the show was about hoarders. It was appalling and intriguing. I would like to help these people which means I would like to go in there with some large trashbags or dumpsters and clear all their stuff out. But that is not the solution because the problem is way more complex than that. I do want a job I heard about on NPR. This job, you work for the city or county and when someone dies alone, you go to their house and try to connect them with a relative or friend. It was interesting, sad, but seemed worthwhile. Like part detective, part advocate, part historian, etc.

*The Vatican released a new list of sins. At the top: thou shalt not hurt the environment (not their language). My reaction: hmmm...maybe the Christian Right will take care of the environment because the Vatican says so. Goody! To my surprise, an NPR story quoted leaders of the Southern Baptists saying "we were too timid about the environment" and "we should protect the Earth because God made it." Yeah! See the light, people. See the light.

Pic of the moment:

**SPOILER: she didn't take it. She decided to stay at home with her kids.

Songs and stories

I don't know how many people I am close to have been affected by Alzheimer's or dementia from relatives and friends but I have been affected by it. The Dixie Chicks were on Austin City Limits the other night and Natalie said that their song "Silent House" is about Natalie's experience with her grandmother and her Alzheimer's. It was already a nice and touching song but knowing the story put it in its own catagory. The lyrics are posted below and if you get the chance to listen to the song, please do.

These walls have eyes
Rows of photographs
And faces like mine
Who do we become
Without knowing where
We started from
It's true I'm missing you
As I stand alone in your room

Everyday that will pass you by
Every name that you won't recall
Everything that you made by hand
Everything that you know by heart

And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
Filled up this silent house

One room
Two single beds
In the closet hangs
Your favorite dress
The books that you read
Are in scattered piles
Of paper shreds

Everything that you made by hand
Everything that you know by heart
And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
Filled up this silent house

Silent house

In the garden off the living room
A chill fills the air
And the lilies bloom
And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
Filled up this

And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
Filled up this silent house
Silent house

New and improved!

I decided to move to Blogger because I don't want to post everything I have to say in Myspace, it's easier to get to, and my neglected blog over on Livejournal has run it's course. Hence the birth of my newest literary adventure!!

To inaugurate this endeavor: crotch-grabbing. Not just for people riddled with VD anymore!

Pic of the moment: